starbucks goes MAHA

+ the craft beer era has concluded

Good morning everyone.

As I was writing this letter from my family’s coffee shop, a few dedicated Running On Butter groms rolled in midway through the Seattle to Portland bike race. They told me they were fueled by Irish butter. I love seeing Buttercups out in the wild, adhering to the tenets of my wisdom. Next year we need to get them Running On Butter cycling kits.

Keep it up, gentlemen. Cycling On Butter.

Next year we need to get them some Running (Biking?) On Butter cycling kits.

The Enneagram for Fitness: A new study found that matching your personality type to your workout style can help you stick with exercise more consistently. Extroverts, for example, tend to thrive on high-intensity strength training (guilty!), while more reserved types prefer solo, lower-intensity movements.

Frankly, I don’t think this study tells us anything new. It basically says that shy people won’t like SoulCycle, which: obviously. I’m one of the most gregarious there is, and even I find those classes intimidating. If someone described it to me—sweaty, EDM, neon lights—I’d assume it was a rave. But even if the high is an exercised-induced dopamine rather than an acid trip, the energy is still a lot.

Notwithstanding SoulCycle, I’m of the opinion that the more we try to “understand what motivates us to exercise,” the more excuses we create not to exercise. We don’t need to arm the undisciplined with peer-reviewed research.

“According to researchers at University College London, my personality thrives off Pilates on the beach, but I just don’t have access to that in Kansas.”

Dear, sweet Linda: I know your soul longs for the coast. But the good Lord has placed you in the Midwest for a reason. Now lace up your walking shoes and take a brisk lap around the neighborhood.

Socialized healthcare for cancer 😍 ? The UK’s top doctor, Professor Sir Stephen Powis, is stepping down from his post as head of the National Health Service, Britain’s crumbling socialized healthcare system, where 6.1 million people are currently stuck on hospital waiting lists.

Waiting lists are something you expect from a Michelin rated restaurant or the Mercedes-Benz dealership. But the hospital? “I’m sorry, your appendix is rupturing? Let’s see… our next availability for the OR is May 25th, 2026. Does that work for your schedule?”

The Times ran the exit piece for Professor Powis, where he made cancer the centerpiece of the conversation. It was really great PR move on his part. Everyone hates cancer, and everyone loves hearing about “breakthrough” cures. Framing this as the “golden age” of cancer treatment was a strategic way to exit on a hopeful note, despite the glaring realities: oncology isn’t his field and the gene-centric approach to cancer—which he champions—has delivered glacial progress relative to the billions poured into it.

He declared, “Things are looking up!”—offering little personal expertise and no new empirical evidence—while the NHS continued to glow, not with the light of medical progress, but with the unmistakable flicker of a dumpster fire.

All the best in this next chapter, Stephen. I’ve heard Southern Italy is a lovely place to retire.

Starbucks goes MAHA: It took one meeting with RFK Jr. for Starbucks, one of America’s most iconic progressive brand, to get red-pilled. CEO Brian Niccol reportedly told him the company is phasing out canola oil in its pastries and aligning its menu with the MAHA agenda.

While I’m thrilled to see Starbucks ditch seed oils, I’m a little nervous we’re about to get a version of the brand that’s run by and made for conservatives. Don’t get me wrong. I love conservatives. But I need my barista to have blue hair and an SSRI prescription.

It’s a well-known fact that conservatives struggle with artisan coffee. My brothers just got back from Kentucky and said the only place advertising coffee was Wendy’s.

Do we really want to live in a world where the Taylor Swift pumpkin spice latte gets replaced by a Tucker Carlson cold brew? Anyway, good for Starbucks on the seed oil front. But I swear, if I walk into a location next year and they’re playing Daily Wire podcasts instead of depressing indie music, we riot.

RIP craft beer: Remember that era around 2012 when every abandoned silo or defunct auto shop was being reborn as a local brewery? Small-batch IPAs were the future, and every millennial with a beard and a dream was getting in on the action. Turns out that dream didn’t quite come to fruition (fermentation?). The craft beer market has officially hit an all-time low.

I texted my favorite beard-wearing, beer-loving millennial friend, Conner, knowing full well he’d have thoughts:

Other than not knowing what “over leveraged” means in this context (financials aren’t exactly my forte), I have just one comment: As a proud member of Gen Z, don’t start a generational war with us. You’ll regret ever thinking you were superior or that you knew what the good times were.

Did you have Running On Butter in 2012?