Donald Trump's victory—fueled strictly by fast food and Diet Coke—was the greatest comeback story since the Resurrection, as historian Sir Niall Ferguson wrote this week.
Not everyone is totally thrilled about Trump's return to the oval office, which I can get. What I can't understand? Posting a video of yourself having meltdown or tantrum about the results.
Anyway, something I'm hoping we can all agree on—no matter your political affiliation—is a desire to make America healthy again. A quick refresher on the health state of the union:
40% of American adults are obese.
35 million Americans have Type II diabetes.
Heart disease causes 800,000 annual deaths in the United States.
For the first time ever, America is projected to surpass 2 million cancer cases in a single year.
You know the five stages of grief? Well, no political movement—Republican or Democrat—has ever moved past the first stage: denial. They've never grieved the tragedy of America's declining health. Fortunately, the Make America Healthy Movement is somewhere between the bargaining and acceptance phases. This is progress!
I cannot wait to see if we can reverse the deleterious health trajectory that our own government has ushered.
In a perfect world, I would serve as the principal adviser (authoritarian ruler) in the Trump administration's effort to restore America's health. But given my tight schedule and prior commitments, I can't make it work.
I can, however, provide the official Running On Butter to-do list to make America healthy again.
Outlaw Roundup
For a number of conservatives, purchasing pesticide-free produce from the local farmer’s market is essentially the Communist Manifesto in action. But I'm seeing a positive trend within the Republican Party. They're beginning to realize that chemicals like glyphosate do not belong on anyone's dinner plate—even Democrats'.
Glyphosate is the herbicide used in Bayer's Roundup, the most widely-used herbicide in the nation. A few weeks ago, Bayer reached settlement in nearly 100,000 Roundup lawsuits, awarding $11 billion in settlements. But its use is still legal in the home of the brave.
Glyphosate causes your liver to inflame (exciting!), respiratory distress (intriguing!), metabolic dysfunction (lovely!), GI issues (fun!), and non-Hodgkins lymphoma (sign me up!).
When it comes to questions surrounding glyphosate's toxicity, the research is unequivocal: glyphosate is more toxic than Britney circa 2003.
Okay, seriously, though—this chemical literally meets the definition of poison, and yet, the government has done little to stop it from being doused onto our children's food.
And it's banned in Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Barbados, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, Colombia, Costa Rica, Czech Republic, Denmark, El Salvador, Fiji, France, Haiti, India, Italy, Kuwait, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Malta, Malawi, Oman, Qatar, Portugal, Scotland, Slovenia, Spain, Sri Lanka, Thailand, United Arab Emirates, and Vietnam.
You know it's time for reflection when states like Haiti have higher standards than you. Now is that time!
In the meantime, follow the Environmental Working Group's tips and tricks for avoiding this carcinogen. To start, avoid conventionally grown oats and grains and buy organic. Farmers spray glyphosate on their crops right before harvest, thereby welcoming the chemical into the food supply.
This isn't just speculation. The EWG records the amount of glyphosate in your daughter's fishy crackers or your son's morning Cheerios. It's alarming.
I also recommend stop using Roundup for your lawn.
Reframe the Dietary Guidelines
Every five years, the USDA writes its U.S. Dietary Guidelines, which dictate the food served in school lunches, shape the curricula of our healthcare practitioners' education, and sway the food industry.
The problem with these guidelines is that they use debunked theories from the 50's to justify their conclusions and recommendations.
It's one thing if these guidelines had remarkable results, but they don't. We're sicker and fatter than ever! Perhaps we should take five to reassess the strategy? Or, perhaps we should get a recommendation committee that isn't in bed with the food and drug industry? (95% of the committee that shaped the 2020-2025 U.S. Dietary Guidelines has conflicts of interest with food companies like Kellogg, Kraft, and General Mills.)
What's advised in the guidelines? Anti-butter propaganda, among other disinformation. (Rethinking a lot of things right now after typing debunked and disinformation so fluidly.)
The guideline committee continues to cling to the anti-scientific, counterintuitive narrative that butter—an ancient food—is helming modern maladies. To borrow a phrase from the Harris campaign, it's time we 👏🏻 turn 👏🏻 the 👏🏻 page.
Ban deleterious ingredients
Titanium dioxide. Butylated Hydroxyanisole (BHA) and Butylated Hydroxytoluene (BHT) Brominated Vegetable Oil. Azodicarbonamide (ADA). Potassium Bromate. Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone (rBGH). Petroleum-based food dyes.
These are just some of the ingredients that are banned in Europe because they're correlated with or causative of minor inconveniences like DNA mutation, central nervous system dysfunction, cell damage, and cancer.
In the United States, they're commonly used in our foods. From bread to chips to soft drinks to cookies to candy and even many vitamins and supplements.
If only we had some sort of powerful regulatory body that was responsible for ensuring quality and safe ingredients in our food... Mmm. Oh, wait! We do. It's called the Food and Drug Administration, and they're worse at their job than Jennifer Lopez is at staying married (RIP Bennifer 🕊️). But unlike JLo, the FDA is in dire need of a facelift.
Similarly to the USDA Dietary Guidelines, I'd love to see the Trump administration put a wedge between the policymakers and the industry that is harmed or benefited by the policymaking.
Let's have stringent, objective standards. Ones that make the citizens safer and healthier rather than FDA's board members richer. (This may sound conspiratorial, but there have been numerous reviews highlighting the bias FDA decision makers have for products for which they financially benefit.)
The Trump administration should uproot the deeply embedded corruption within the FDA. MTFDADIJABKUS! (Make The Food and Drug Administration Do Its Job Again By Keeping Us Safe.)
Keep Our Water Clean
All I'm going to do for this one is link the EWG's Tap Water Data Base for you to see what kind of exciting chemicals are in your town's drinking water. Click the link and enter your zip code.
I'll let the results speak for themselves.
Mandate Exercise
In George Orwell's 1984, Big Brother mandates that the citizens of Oceania exercise every morning. I want this—I need this—for our country. I want to live in a state where I wake up every morning to the sound of Donald J. Trump's voice saying, "Get out of bed and start moving! Your muscles will be huuuge!"
Now, I know my constitutional loving nerd friends are probably appalled by me for saying this. The state can't mandate exercise! That's an abuse of power! It's unconstitutional!
And to them, I ask: how many votes do I need for a constitutional amendment?
An earlier version of this article misstated that Joby Voetberg, the eldest brother of the Vance, uses Roundup on his lawn. It's been two year since Joby last used Roundup. Running On Butter regrets this error.
To witness agnotology at work, Google Janet DeJesus misinformation. By the way, agnotology is the Cultural Production Of Ignorance. Two decades ago, Robert Proctor coined the term agnotology to refer to the study of ignorance that stems from scientific research.