Help! My Girlfriend Celebrates Halloween.

Calling an exorcist rn

Good morning everyone.

This weekend is Halloween, a holiday of particular interest of my girlfriend, which is about as giant as a red flag gets. But the heart wants what it wants, and I like her enough (so far) to overlook her enthusiasm for the dark arts.

Things are going very well otherwise. We went to church (Mine, a Christian one! Nervous to go to hers given her love for Halloween) and lunch on Sunday, then spent the afternoon debating our favorite rom-coms. (Hers: Sleepless in Seattle. Mine: While You Were Sleeping.)

Anyway. Enough about me and my dating life. How are you?! Your Hinge profile looking okay?

Each year, Americans purchase roughly 745 million pounds of Halloween candy, the equivalent weight of 842 Boeing 747s.

Frankly, I’m disappointed. The fact that we still haven’t hit the one-billion-pound milestone in Halloween candy consumption seems lazy. I voted for exceptionalism, and I’m seeing mediocrity. America, we can do better. #1BillionBy2030!

Given that most Halloween candy is loaded with high fructose corn syrup and petroleum-based food dyes, I want to encourage you to bypass these candies that making your kids sick and your parenting more difficult.

For alternatives, check out Illie Balaj’s recommendations below.

healthillie

A post shared by @healthillie

Here at ROB we believe that the best things are made in your own kitchen. So if you want have a fun festive treat, make some chocolate chip cookies or try my pumpkin spice butter muffin recipe.

Paris Hilton designed her new home to be compatible with her ADHD. Normally I don’t love when people root their identity so deeply in a diagnosis—especially one as arbitrary as ADHD (and, frankly, most mental health conditions). But I love that Paris has taken it to the next level by designing her Beverly Hills home around it. Forget mid-century modern or Mediterranean; ADHD is the new architectural trend, and Running On Butter ships it.

In her interview, Paris said people always misunderstood her because of her ADHD, and that she “would constantly lose [her] homework and get in trouble with the teachers.” For good measure, I dug up some of Paris’s greatest academic hits, proving that while she may not have turned in her homework, her intellectual spark was never in doubt.

Paris, on anatomy: “Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins.”
Paris, on English: “If you don’t even know what to say, just be like, ‘that’s hot.’”
Paris, on geography: “I love Africa in general—South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”
Paris, on astronomy: “This is Earth. Isn’t it hot?” (Love that she takes her own advice here—when you don’t know what to say…)
Paris, on public service: “What’s a soup kitchen?”
Paris, on confidence: “I’m very intelligent. I’m capable of doing everything put to me. I’ve launched a perfume and want my own hotel chain. I’m living proof blondes are not stupid.”

The fact that I haven’t launched a perfume line or wanted a hotel chain has me seriously questioning my own intellectual prowess.

• Speaking of ADHD, Dr. Roger McFillin dropped this total fire-of-a-piece on the “condition.”

• Beef is getting pricier, and steakhouses are shrinking portions, hoping nobody will notice. But if there’s one thing we at ROB notice, it’s paltry serving sizes. We know what you’re up to, Ruth’s Chris. We see right through your games.

• 58% of Gen Z say they have little or no purpose in life. I’m shocked. I genuinely thought TikTok careers, Twitch streaming, gender-affirming care, and chanting “From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free” would yield higher fulfillment metrics. Run the numbers again.

• Tech bros are getting facelifts. Men want to “stay competitive” and fear “irrelevance” in what is, apparently, a young man’s game, per WSJ. Running On Butter loves a great facelift. In fact, I, Vance, have already had two. My third is scheduled next month with the same doctor who so wonderfully transformed Kris Jenner.

• My favorite overlord Bill Gates is toning down the fatalistic climate change messaging. In 2021, he told another favorite media overlord and Venderbilt heir Anderson Cooper that climate change was “way greater than the pandemic—and it needs a level of cooperation that would be unprecedented.” Now he’s saying that this “doomsday” view might be a bit of a stretch.

  Bummer! I was really looking forward to “cooperation that would be unprecedented.” Which, come to think of it, is a great reminder for the Buttercups whenever you start questioning my ways.

• British researchers found running recalibrates the mind to crave less processed foods.

• European countries are cracking down on plant-based meat companies’ advertising tactics, requiring them to clearly label their products as what they are… fake meat.

• If you read one thing this week, make it this excellent Free Press piece by James Marriott, a sharp warning as we enter the dawn of a post-literate society. From the piece:

Our discourse is collapsing into panic, hatred, and tribal warfare. Anti-scientific thought thrives at the highest level of the American government. Promoters of irrationality and conspiracy theories such as Candace Owens and Russell Brand find vast and credulous audiences online.

Laid out on the page, their arguments would seem absurd. On the screen, they are persuasive to many people.

We may be about to find out that it is not possible to run the most advanced civilization in the history of the planet with the intellectual apparatus of a preliterate society.

• Saw the title of this new study, and it made me smile. It’s almost as if there is a creator to life.