Fake Health Influencers

+ High T Department of War

Good evening everyone.

I’ve received some great messages from y’all with your new Running On Butter (ROB) sweatshirts. Shoutout to Taite, a longtime ROBer, for repping the bright blue jersey in Florida. As such, I’m dubbing her our official ROB ambassador to the Gator State, where she’ll carry out ROB’s national interests.

If you’re interested in WINNING THIS SWEATSHIRT, please comment on this post about why you’d make a standout ROB ambassador to your community.

My unpaid intern Alexandra and I will select 5 winners based on:

• Vibes

• Compelling ROB policy propositions (domestic or international)

• How many times you ate out last month (scoring for this one is like golf; the less, the better)

We don’t want a dissertation. Keep it succinct. Brevity sits next to godliness.

And lastly, we’re all about DEI here at ROB, so extra points to the double-amputee queer poet writing in from a cave in Afghanistan.

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Drink coffee, not whiskey: A new study following 355,000 adults found that coffee drinkers have less liver damage than non-coffee drinkers. This comes on top of the AHA saying that most adults are good to consume up to five cups of coffee. As someone whose brain’s synapses don’t begin until my first cup of coffee, I am relieved. And honestly, even if the research about coffee was damning, I would gaslight myself and you all to high heaven. I would stand by my double espresso like Dr. Fauci stood by the efficacy of masks.

I have a full coffee breakdown here. But before we leave the topic of caffeine, I need to take this moment to tell my coworkers Noah, Vanessa, and Dylan, for the hundredth time, to please consider not drinking synthetic caffeine (energy drinks, Diet Coke). Another brand-new review just came out reaffirming what ROB’s reported on for years: lab-made caffeine is linked to heart complications, while God-made caffeine protects the heart. There are hundreds of anti-inflammatory compounds in coffee and tea, whereas when caffeine is synthesized in a lab, the molecule is isolated. Without the company of the beneficial compounds, caffeine seems to be problematic.

AI health influencers coming for your mom: The NYT exposed how supplement companies are creating AI/fake health influencers to sell their products. Their target audience is the boomers who have a tougher time discerning what’s real and what’s AI. You see smart-looking “doctors” selling a supplement for better heart health and wise-looking Asian ladies raving about how “a capsule a day of this ginger—used by ancient, much wiser societies than our own—cures knee pain.” This is super upsetting to me, mainly because these AI companies stole ROB’s idea of targeting a vulnerable, easily impressionable audience. Like, am I going to have a team of NYT reporters requesting comment for a story “exposing how Running On Butter recruits and radicalizes easy targets”?? There’s nothing to see here. Please spend your resources and energy exposing other platforms, like this one, whose supposed “mission” is to heal a sick culture physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I mean, come on. What even is that? Seems very AI-y to me. Even the host of that seems a little too perfect looking to be real.

High T Department of War: Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that the military will start screening for testosterone deficiency in service members over the age of 30. If guys are below optimal, the military will supply testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). At face value, this seems like a cool initiative. However, I don’t love the idea of our military needing to go on infertility-inducing TRT to be optimal. The number one factor affecting low T is sleep deprivation. So my recommendation is that our military takes the nights off, gets at least eight hours of sleep, and does war in the daytime. And also, I feel like most times when I see a service member, they’re drinking an energy drink. Red Bull will tank your T. ROB’s official military regimen for high T would look like: as much sleep as possible, nutrient-rich food, Olympic weightlifting, and zero synthetic fragrances, microplastics, and energy drinks. Lethal.

The peptides are coming: The FDA advisory panel moved to approve 6/7 new peptides, including the infamous BPC-157. I don’t love peptides, but I don’t dislike them. So I really don’t have any thoughts here, other than that if people are going to take them, I would rather they have access to purer forms approved by the FDA than off-market, Chinese-made (potentially tainted) compounds. It’s sort of like the parent who supplies alcohol to their underage children: “If you’re gonna drink, I’d really rather you do it safely.” Pulls out Jell-O shots for you and your friends after prom.

Another opportunity to call out Noah, Vanessa, and Dylan:

LeBron James’ 76th season: Lebron James will play his final season with the 76ers. He chose the team because it matches the number of seasons he’s been in the NBA. LeBron is a s healthy-ish eater. It’s ROB’s opinion that his longevity in professional basketball is connected to his nutrition. Which is all to say: if you want your kid to play in the NBA, feed him butter. Also, have freak athlete genes.

Mile world record—we’re coming for you: Scottish runner Josh Kerr broke the mile world record with a time of 3:42. For those of you who keep asking me—yes, I have ran faster than that before, but it was in practice so it technically didn’t count. And technically, it wasn't a full mile (it was a half mile). But technicalities won’t stop me from telling Josh: don’t get too comfy with that WR. Mr. Running On Butter is coming for that 3:41. Technically, this time. Josh told the WSJ that his nutritional regimen in preparation of the WR attempt featured a salad at every meal, including breakfast, “which kind of sucked, if I’m being honest,” he said. ROB salutes Josh and his commitment to the veggie game. The tastes of radishes at 7am doesn’t last forever; world records do. That is, until I break them.

🧈Don’t forget to drop a comment for a chance to win a ROB sweatshirt🧈