Running On Butter Catechism

combatting health heresies

Good morning everyone.

The Running On Butter train has kidnapped picked up a lot of new passengers. Welcome aboard. Buckle up Buttercups.

Today I want to lay the groundwork for what we’re trying to accomplish here at ROB. It’s a doctrine whose ideological forefathers include Paula Deen, Karl Marx, Megyn Kelly, Weston A. Price, John MacArthur, and the band Coldplay.

I promise it’ll make sense.

Over the course of history, the Church has gathered to summarize the core doctrines of the Christian faith in what are called catechisms. These have helped the Church remain steadfast amid the various heresies that have challenged Christian principles throughout the ages.

Similarly, today I’m presenting the first three Running On Butter catechisms. I want them to help y’all navigate the ever-changing, contradicting, and confusing truth claims made about health.

In the coming weeks, I’ll continue to build on these and bring greater specificity to the three principles using common sense, quality research, and my insane wit.

I. We believe we were created to eat great food.

Running On Butter is less a diet and more a way of life. I know that’s what everyone says when they’re talking about a boring or hellish diet. But the ROB lifestyle is legit the life of the party.

We’re out here creating delicious flavors using all the ingredients God’s gifted humanity.

We eat land and sea creatures. Under-salted meat is a criminal offense. We love a fresh, herbaceous salad. We condemn people who don’t eat fruit. Raw dairy is great. Eggs too. We celebrate spice diversity—when’s the last time you added cardamon to a dish? Heck, we think there’s room for bread on this party bus. Spread that butter on thick. Some honey on that slice too.

Where the ROB mob turns unapologetically despotic is when we’re talking foods that are new to humanity. Think: seed oils, artificial sweeteners, and synthetic dyes.

The body gets pretty jacked up when we’re eating these ingredients. They’re not the vibe. Feed them to your enemies, thank ROB later.

II. We believe we were created to move.

Running On Butter posits that movement is for all people:

• The 8-year-old boy who hates math.

• The a teenage girl with boy problems.

• The law student who’s busy with law review.

• The electrician with knee pain.

• The software engineer who sits at a desk 8 hours a day.

• The nurse working the night shift.

• The dad stressed with bills to pay.

• The pregnant mom who’s stressed about her husband paying the bills.

• The grandmother with a quiver full of grandchildren questioning whether her daughter should’ve married for love or for money.

Running On Butter promotes all types of exercise.

Whether it’s overhead weights or overhead serves, playing tag or leg day, pickleball or gardening to can pickles, sidewalk hopscotch or surfing, competitive cheer or hunting deer, running for Team USA or running from your past, pumping dumbbells or getting your “get back” body after breaking up with a dumb guy, climbing a mountain or climbing the border wall, resistance training or resisting arrest, pole vaulting or pole danc—

Okay, wait. Maybe ROB doesn’t promote all forms of exercise. I’ll bring this up in the next board meeting.

Anyway, the research showing the necessity of movement for the good life is just too overwhelming for it not to be a key catechism.

III. We believe the human body is simultaneously resilient yet fragile.

The way the body regenerates torn muscles and fractured bones is wildly remarkable. And its pathogen detection and protection systems make the Mossad look like schoolboys.

With that being true, the body is also delicate and fragile, extremely sensitive to the thousands of new manmade compounds modernity has introduced. Think: microplastics, phthalates, fragrances.

You’ve probably seen the hype around these chemicals lately. How they’re killing us, causing infertility, and so on.

To all that hype I say: y’all should be even more petrified than you currently are.

You can eat the best food and be a workout queen/king, but if you’re surrounded by an atmosphere of harmful compounds, you’re not Running On Butter. You’re Running On Low Testosterone™.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with the omnipresence of toxicity. And to that I say: you should be.

Okay, sorry to be so discouraging on this one. But I just think—supported by a plethora of research—that it’s absolutely essential to bring attention to if we want to safeguard the health of men, women, and children.

I’ll keep diving into this issue in more depth, giving practical (and maybe even encouraging) advice for how to navigate it. But for now, be scared.

I’ve created a cool little yard sign that encapsulates the heart of the Running On Butter catechisms. Feel free to use the design for a ROB advertisement on Times Square, inspiration for a PhD dissertation, or tattoo.

Alright, I’ll see you next week with some fire content, building on what we went over today. Until then: pray about the tattoo and keep running on butter.

Drop a comment and tap that heart if you’re a new Buttercup. I want to hear from you. (I need friends.) Where are you reading Running On Butter from?